Two weeks ago, I recorded a podcast episode about loneliness – not only during lockdown, but in general. It was an episode that resonated with a lot of listeners, especially millennial listeners. Are many of us feeling more lonely this year? Yes, absolutely. Is Corona to blame? Yes. And no. I believe that the pandemic simply acted as a catalyst. It did so in many ways – digitalization for example took a huge leap forward, courtesy of Corona.
When it comes to loneliness amongst us, the millennials, my theory is that we had it coming anyway, Corona just speeded things up. In a previous letter, I wrote about how and why we lost friends this year, and there have been more articles published around that theme lately. So yeah, the big friendship fade of 2020 is real.
However, as Katie O’Malley notes in her piece for Elle, “I always knew there would come a time when people’s priorities would shift and some friendships would fray at the seams, but the pandemic has made it all happen too soon.”. Dolly Alderton picked up the same beat in her novel “Ghosts”: friendships change in our late 20s and early 30s – and a lot of them are lost.
It’s like in our twenties we collectively (and often drunkenly) hopped and skipped along the same road, sharing the same experiences – and then we came to a crossroads. Some of us went down the family lane, some the career lane and some the “let’s keep playing” lane. We wave each other off merrily and as the years go on, these lanes diverge more and more and it becomes harder to meet in the middle. In normal times, we wouldn’t really notice our friends disappear, we’d just look up one day and notice that we haven’t talked to them in over a year. And when we do, they know as little about Bumble as we do about breast pumps. Or the other way around.
I think that FT writer Claire Bushey hit the nail on the head in her very personal essay about loneliness. She describes how friendships often fall outside the routine of daily adult life:
“People plough through their 40-and-counting-hour workweeks because employers demand it. They see their spouses and children because they live with them. But friendship is scheduled, and the cheapness of friendship is made plain when you consider how easily and breezily plans fall away.”
Friendships are not contracts. You’re not paying your friends a monthly salary and you also didn’t vow “til death do us part” in a drafty church. You cannot force someone to be your friend. Friendships are completely voluntary, selfless relations, which is what makes them so valuable – and maybe also utterly romantic. But in the end, friendships are optional.
Bushey goes on to say something I couldn’t agree more with: “The pandemic showed me that for most people, I am a “nice to have”, not a necessary part of their emotional infrastructure.”
During the first lockdown I too realized that for a lot of my friends, especially the ones in long-term relationships, I was a nice to have and not, as they were for me, an essential part of life (there are always exceptions to the rule, of course). I’m not here to only point fingers, because I’m just as bad. There were people in my life who I had considered nice to have, but who were not a priority contact for me during a global crisis. Or people, who had such a vastly difference experience of this year, that we struggled to connect eventually.
Generally speaking, there’s nothing wrong with nice to haves. They’re great. They’re what makes life fun. When my mum asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I sent her a short list of nice to haves – items that would brighten my day (like a fluffy scarf in my favorite color or a decadent skin serum), but that I didn’t actually need. Friendship-wise, this year we *needed* our ride-or-dies – and only them.
It sucks though, to realize that the bond you thought you had with someone wasn’t strong enough. That you weren’t as important to them as they were to you. It really, really hurts. And this is where we can circle back to the Corona: The pandemic ripped off the band-aid and exposed the friendships that weren’t built to last – all at once. Without the crisis, we could have held on to these friends and acquaintances a little longer. We would have delayed the moments when we admit to ourselves that this isn’t the real deal, would have spaced them out to not lose too many friends at once.
But here we are. The good and bad news is that Corona also took away a lot of the distractions we use to avoid sitting with ourselves and our feelings, too – which can be uncomfortable and painful at times, but also offers us the opportunity to reflect and grow. Periods of loneliness are essential to forge our own identity, to realize what we want from life, from our friends, from our relationships, and to set our priorities accordingly.
If there is one good thing to come out of this shit show of a year, it’s that we were all in this together. And shared experiences are always a great place to start building new friendships. I actually made new friends over Instagram this year and I am beyond grateful for the small but wonderful community we’re building around this newsletter. And although it’s a long way from a DM to ride-or-die status – connecting with someone always feels nice. So don’t be shy. Send a message and reach out to someone you think you might hit it off with.
If you’re feeling lonely right now or if you’re struggling to make sense of this year, I got you. Try:
reading Claire Bushey’s essay on loneliness. You’ll feel seen and you’ll realize: This pain you’re feeling? It’s not your fault.
following Anna Myers’ tips on how to meet people online.
using the “Magic Nights” until New Years to reflect on and process this year. Sophia Hembeck and Hannah Krutmann tell you how.
🇩🇪 hört doch mal in das Gespräch rein, das ich mit Jakob Simmank geführt habe. Er ist ein echter Einsamkeits-Experte und verrät, wie wir an unserer Einsamkeitsfähigkeit arbeiten können.
And last but not least: Reach out! There’s absolutely no shame in saying “I’m feeling lonely, want to go for a socially distanced walk?”
pop culture pleasures
I can’t believe this is the last round-up of the year! Who thought 2020 would ever end?
I love everything that Helena Fitzgerald writes, but she can even turn a Mad Men review into poetry:
“I too have mistaken wanting to have weird sex for thinking I cared about a man talking about his job. (…) I love Mad Men in a stupid, grandiose way, in a way that’s about history and the moon landing and the feelings you only have driving at night and wishing I could have known my parents before I was born and wanting to be good enough at something that it punishes everyone who has ever hurt me.”
I finally got around to finishing The Bold Type, after they lost me midway through the third season last year. I must say though, the fourth and last season is so much better than the rest – and I binged it all in a few days.
I then went down the rabbit hole of googling the actors and found out that Meghann Fahy (who plays my favorite character Sutton – LOVE her energy) is also the most talented singer. I have watched this clip of her about ten times in the past 24 hours and I have yet to make it til the end without sobbing.
Same rabbit hole, but completely unrelated to the show: Watch actor Jeremy Jordan cover Celine Dion’s “It’s all coming back to me now” and take down the house with a completely insane key change towards the end. Sweet Baby Jesus.
I never really watched Sex and the City, I just caught an episode here and there. But one of my new recent podcast obsessions is “So I Got to Thinking”, in which the hosts Juno Dawson and Dylan B. Jones try to answer Carrie’s column questions (like “Are we sluts?”) from a modern, 2020 point of view. Recent guests on the pod include Candice Carthy-Williams and Holly Bourne. This is the pot of gold at the end of a trying year.
🇩🇪 Mein neuer deutschsprachiger Lieblingspodcast ist “Drinnies” von Guilia Becker und Chris Sommer. Eine auditive Heimat für alle Introvertierten und dabei wahnsinnig lustig ohne klamaukig zu sein.
Anne Helen Petersen dismantles meeting culture and it’s the truth and nothing but the truth. Gist: Having too many meetings is a sign of bad company culture.
Bianca Barratt wrote a fiery piece for Refinery29 about why single women over 30 are not “too picky” and no one should ever dare insinuate it:
“I hate it not just because it implies that coupledom is the ultimate and only worthy goal but also because it shames women into questioning their own judgement. At the most dangerous end of the spectrum, it encourages them to ignore red flags.”
Another great think piece was Catherine Renton’s take on “Toxic Positivity” for Vogue. “Instead of parroting motivational quotes, we should normalise the notion that all feelings are normal – not just the happy ones.” 👏
And last but not least, writer Sophia Hembeck published a very personal essay collection called “Things I Have Noticed”. The essays circle around the themes of leaving, searching and finding – as a restless soul I could relate to her musings A LOT. Speaking of musings, she also writes “The Muse Letter”, which you should probably subscribe to.
All that’s left for me to say is: Thank you for sticking with me during this year, I hope you could find some solace in my essays or at least some fun and inspiration in my recommendations.
Be safe over the holidays, turn off your phone and get some rest, or don’t turn off your phone and talk to someone you miss. Either way: I’ll catch you in the new year.
Until next time,
PS: All I want for Christmas is YOU forwarding this letter to someone who might like it. You’re a star. And if you just found it in your inbox as a present, let’s seal the deal.