Oh, you guys! I mean, gals! I got so many responses to the last Verve Letter about Covid-winter-anxiety (catch up here) that I just wanted to send a massive, virtual hug to all of you. It means so much to get a message when a piece resonates with you, but this time it also made me feel less alone. THANK YOU. And please know that you’re not alone either.
We’re two weeks on, and it still doesn’t look like we’ll be mingling and going out much anytime soon. So we need to sort out the groups of people we’ll be hanging out with at home. Have you noticed something, or is it just me? Over the past six months, quite a few friendships have changed, or even died completely.
In March and April we were all super close, united in the novelty of the madness and on Zoom 24/7. But then we all experienced the pandemic differently and had to rearrange our respective “new normal” lives. The first kind of friendships, or rather acquaintanceships (is that a word? Help me out, native speakers!) to die were the ones with people who ignored social distancing rules and who have turned into Covidiots since then. Absolute no brainer, and good riddance – don’t need this energy in my life. Or in society, actually.
Next friendships to go were the ones which relied on regularly bumping into each other in person. At the gym, at the bar, at parties. Pandora Sykes called these her “C Tier” friends in one of the recent episodes of the High Low. No surprises here, these bonds are not strong enough to survive a six month pandemic. Which is not to say they won’t get a second wind at some point, but not until “bumping into each other regularly” is an option again.
Then there are the friends with kids and partners to look after. Boom, gone (even more gone than before). There are the lopsided friendships on which you had to finally loosen your grip after realizing you simply weren’t a priority in the other person’s life in these times. And finally, there are the friends who “have pulled up the drawbridge and retreated into their own bubbles of self-care” – either by themselves or with their romantic partner.
At this point (or ever) I don’t blame you if podcast hosts show up on you top five friends during the pandemic list.
Tanya Sweeney put the phenomenon of female friendships cracking under Covid into heartbreaking words: “We’re letting go of each other without much of a fight. Either we are okay with that, or we just don’t know how to solve it.” We don’t know how to solve it, she says, because even our remaining friendships are worn thin from talking about nothing but the pandemic and the stress it brings:
“These interactions are starved of the essential nutrients that keep friendships healthy: Hugs. Gossip. Wit. Talk about what we did last weekend. Holiday plans. Shared experiences. The gentle shove that dinner and a bottle of wine can send a friendship.”
She talks about the onset of “compassion fatigue” when we’re feeling self-sorry, something I can very much relate to, and Anna Goldfarb writes about how even the closest bonds of friendship decay when we don’t engage in regular communication and do activities together. Goldfarb, however, also urges us not to panic, not to take silence as a personal rebuke, but merely as a quiet season in a long friendship.
Instead of clinging on to, or mourning, the lost connections, she has very simple advice: Putting our attention on those friendships, which make us feel hopeful, seen and loved. And, to tie those two authors together: to feed those friendships with vital stuff – laughter, stories, experiences, face-to-face hang outs, bottles of wine. So maybe the way to go this fall and winter is quality over quantity? I mean, it should always be this way, especially when it comes to personal relationships – but sometimes we hang on to friendships which don’t serve us, simply because we think the more people we call “friends”, the less lonely we are.
What I’m taking away from these two pieces on friendship: Count your blessings. Be kind to yourself, be even kinder to the one, two or three heroines who have stayed by your side through this shitshow, let things go and let things circle back when the time is right.
In August I wrote about how the pandemic just makes us miss everyone, everything, every place, remember? Well, I’m gonna pack it in, because Courtney Martin found much better words for what I wanted to express back then:
“We miss lives we thought we would have had a chance to live into by now. We miss people we never met – strangers and lovers and babies. We miss the variety of touches we would have felt, the ways we would have shown up for one another, would have hugged one another after our eyes became pools of tears. We miss experiences we were going to have and the ways they were going to shape us. We miss that shape of ourselves. We miss so much of who we might have been.”
Read her piece. It’s as sad as it is beautiful.
pop culture pleasures
📚 If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I’m just coming up from a Nick Hornby theme week. At first, I devoured his latest novel, “Just Like You”, which doesn’t only have the most gorgeous cover, it’s also one of my absolute favorite novels of this year. I know I say that a lot, but you can quote me on this in December. Out of the theme (42-year-old white mother of two and 22-year-old black man fall in love) and the setting (London, just before Brexit), Nick Hornby has created the perfect storm: A story which is hilarious in all the right places, sincere and heartfelt in the others and which teaches you a shit ton about Brexit without sounding patronizing. Chapeau, Monsieur Hornby!
From his latest novel I went back and read his first, “High Fidelity” (after it had been championed on the High Low so much and I had only ever read “About A Boy”). Also really enjoyed that one, although being inside the head of a neurotic, single guy in his mid-thirties in the 90s was a little painful at times. For some reason it reminded me a lot of “Everything I know about love” – except that Hornby’s protagonist is a lot more whiny than Dolly.
🎧 Robbie Williams on the Adam Buxton Show was probably my favorite podcast of the last two weeks. I expected to turn it on, roll my eyes, and turn it off after three minutes, but it was a pretty amazing conversation. A very coherent, open and vulnerable Robbie, who seemed aware that he hasn’t always made sense to the world (still doesn’t when they talk about UFOs, but who’s counting).
Amanda Mull looked at the “Nesting” phenomenon happening amongst millennials right now. As someone who just spent 30 Euros on a variety of candles at Ikea this weekend, I feel seen. (But to balance it out I also bought a very cool vintage leather jacket to manifest that the times of touring all the bars or even *gasp* dating will return. Eventually.)
Autumn Fourkiller asked five #urbanjungle bloggers how they came to own this many plants and how they keep them alive. I’m glad I live alone, as I find the idea of chanting “We’re fine! We’re fine! We’re fine!” (read that in Jonathan Van Ness’ voice) to my plants every morning quite appealing.
🎧 Yotam Ottolenghi appeared on the “Ways to Change the World” podcast and talked about the politics of hummus and cultural appropriation of food, which I found fascinating. Fished that recommendation out of the beautifully designed Sonder & Tell newsletter, by the way.
Sarah Shaffi explains why you should always read the acknowledgements in the back of books. Sometimes moving, sometimes funny, sometimes revealing – they’re always a way of paying respect to all the people who helped create what you just read.
🇩🇪 Meine Kollegin Ankea Janßen hat die Ärztin Laura Hatzler getroffen, die die deutschlandweit erste (!) Arbeitsgruppe zum Thema weibliche Sexualität gegründet hat. In Ankeas Text erfährt man so einiges über den berühmten Orgasm Gap und warum überhaupt so wenig bekannt ist über weibliche Lust. (Wer überraschenderweise kein NOZ-Abo hat, kann Ankea auch im Podcast “Nachschlag” zuhören, lohnt sich sehr!)
Alright, that’s it for today. I think for now we can conclude that the state of the world remains
Stay strong, stay healthy, but drink the wine. Oh, and do forward this e-mail to whoever might need and/or enjoy it. You can also click on the heart or the share button if you want to show some love, it helps other people find it on the platform. I really appreciate it ❤️.
Until next time,
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love it! <3
this was the most comforting thing to read, thank you so much for this :( 100% felt all of these and was starting to wonder if something was wrong with me! it's reassuring to know others are going through the same. <3