This letter goes out on Valentine’s Day. A holiday I despise not only because I’m single, but because I despise all holidays invented by capitalism. And because there’s no escaping it. We are being bombarded with ads for the perfect Valentine’s gift for our perfect partner and I know that on Sunday we will be bombarded with endless #couplegoals on social media. Adding insult to injury, last week the German SZ Magazin published an interview with a psychologist about dating during lockdown – and the (young! female!) psychologist advised single people to use the time in social isolation to reflect on why they keep failing at relationships, and explicitly urged women to be less picky.
Wait a minute.
First, being single isn’t a character flaw that needs to be fixed.
Second, please be as picky as you possibly can be when it comes to choosing someone to share your life with.
Third, single women are not an anomaly (I’m mostly addressing people who identify as women here, because there’s greater social acceptance for single men). On the contrary, the number of never married women in the Western world is rising. In fact, in the UK the percentage of never-married singletons in their 40s doubled in the past 20 years. So when it seems like everyone around you is getting married or coupled up, look to the statistics. And the best part is, there’s actual scientific evidence that unmarried and childfree women are the happiest subgroup of the population and they also tend to live longer.
Now, if we were completely rational creatures living in a world ruled by science, I could end this newsletter right here, we’d cancel Valentine’s Day and agree that being a single woman is the greatest thing ever. Or at least nothing to be pitied for. But we’re not and it’s not, so let’s unpack.
There’s no denying that being crazy in love is the best feeling in the world and that it is simply really nice to have somebody in our corner. We’re only human! We crave a good dopamine hit, we long for companionship, connection and validation.
I’m proud of the life I have built for myself on my own, but I often miss having someone on my team, unconditionally. Someone to share the ups and downs of life with, someone who rubs my feet after a long day, who’ll do the cooking if I do the dishes and who’d notice if I slipped in the shower and hit my head before the cat eats me. I don’t have a cat, but you know what I mean.
Luckily, there are many places outside of romantic relationships where we can find forms of love and connection: family, friendships, pets, art, hobbies, maybe even work (but verdict’s still out if that’s healthy or not). Dating apps are great if you just need a quick fix of physical intimacy. Also, and you know this already, being single has A LOT of upsides. I love my freedom and independence, I love living alone, sleeping alone and never having to compromise on which show to watch or where to go on vacation. I have friendships which are more romantic than any of my relationships were.
I’m pretty sure that it would be possible to live a contented single life, if it weren’t for the internalized societal pressure to conform to the patriarchal norm of the couple – and not only to conform, but to constantly ask ourselves what’s wrong with us when we’re on our own. I mean, what are the times you are celebrated and showered in gifts as an adult woman? When you get married and when you had sex that led to a baby. That’s it.
A few weeks ago, I listened to Margaret Cho on the I Weigh podcast, where she so refreshingly celebrated living alone as a single woman in her 50s. She said something quite remarkable, and I’m paraphrasing: The patriarchy tries to scare women into co-dependency, telling us that we’re not safe on our own, that dying alone will be our curse. Newsflash – we are all going to die alone, it’s actually the most solitary experience of life, even if we’ve been married for 50 years. But that’s not the point.
What I’m actually trying to say is that we need a more nuanced conversation. Everything we experience in life has its good and bad sides, but when it comes to our intimate life we refuse to see the good sides of singlehood and the bad sides of coupledom. Getting married is no guarantee for a happy life – the divorce rate actually makes a case for the opposite. Being single doesn’t mean there is no love in your life. And maybe less people would be stuck in dysfunctional relationships if society stopped judging single people for not having a partner.
I have been single for five years now, the last time I had my heart broken was two and a half years ago and the very last thing I want to hear from anyone is “Oh, but you’ll find someone eventually!”. Because sure, I can find someone. If I were less picky. Heck, if I’d been a little more willing to settle I would have been married for years now. But I don’t want someone. I’m too comfortable on my own to compromise. I want the whole deal: instant connection, physical chemistry, belly laughs and, for lack of a less cheesy term, a soulmate. I have experienced all of this, more than once – but less than five times. So I know it exists, but I also know it’s hard to find. Which leads us to: Maybe I won’t find another romantic partner in this lifetime. Which is an uncomfortable thought, but one that has to be considered. And it’s okay, because it has to be. Because it doesn’t mean I’d have a life without love, or without men, or even without kids if I wanted them, but it means I’ll finally stop thinking that being single is an in-between state. Something to endure while waiting for the next relationship.
So the next time a friend is going through a break up, let’s not say “you’ll find someone else”, but instead promise “there will be love and happiness in your life again”. Or, my favorite, “joy is coming”. Can we try that?
My personal milestone on the way to accepting my single life was starting to sleep smack in the middle of the bed. For years, I had been unconsciously reserving one side for my non-existent partner, while telling myself that it made sense to sleep closer to my nightstand. Oh, the joy I had been missing! I now wholeheartedly agree with Emily Morris:
“The longer I sleep alone, the more more I fear ever having to share my bed again. And I know all this reads like a crap attempt to make myself feel better about being single, but it's honestly not: only in bed do we get to be our most relaxed, most private, most comfortable selves, and that's got to be something we get to experience for ourselves.”
I found her piece in Nicola Slawson’s brilliant newsletter “The Single Supplement”, which I have recommended before and which you should definitely subscribe to if this topic resonated with you.
Now, for Valentine’s Day, I will take myself out for a long walk, cook a delicious dinner, open a nice bottle of red wine and watch either the second season of Fleabag for the umpteenth time (because Andrew Scott) or continue with the 16th (my god) season of Grey’s Anatomy and have a cathartic cry. And I hope you’re being kind to yourself as well, because you deserve it.
pop culture pleasures
How many times have you been asked WHY you’re single? Kaitlyn McQuinn provides the perfect answer in this piece: “Firstly, it’s rude. Secondly, look at our options.”
A good friend gave me a copy of Kae Tempest’ essay “On Connection” (they’re the artist formerly known as Kate Tempest). A beautiful, profound, anti-capitalist exploration of how creativity can combat the numbness of the modern world and how we can reconnect to ourselves and others. The perfect lockdown read, when all we crave is connection.
I have already posted Nathan Foad’s impression of the gay intern on Noah’s ark on all my social media channels, but two weeks later I’m still re-watching it everyday and it brings me SO MUCH JOY.
Last April, Harling Ross’ sort of predicted (or maybe rather: hoped for) the resurrection of the personal essay due to the pandemic. Looking at all the personal newsletters that have been launched in the past months, I’d say she was on to something!
“The more days I spend cooped up in my apartment, the more I crave opportunities to immerse myself in someone else’s thoughts.”
I really enjoyed Tim Herrera’s Twitter thread where people share their dream jobs and the reason they’re not doing them. Spoiler: “life got expensive” is a very common theme.
🎧 Some podcast gems: Adam Buxton interviewed Elizabeth Day, Elizabeth Day interviewed Matt Haig, Matt Haig didn’t interview anyone to my knowledge, but Krista Smith interviewed the creator of some of my all time favorite shows (The West Wing and The Newsroom), Aaron Sorkin.
animal video of the week
Thank you for coming to my Valentine’s TedTalk and sticking around until the end. If you enjoyed it, feel free to send me flowers or – and I’d love that even more – support my work by liking, sharing and forwarding it.
Until next time,
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