"Things don’t have to be criminal to be profoundly bad"
We kind of dropped the ball on our conversation about consent
When I walk from my apartment to the more lively part of my neighborhood I have to take a short street that has three barber shops and a newsstand. I dread this street in the spring and summer, when I’m not bundled up in a coat, scarf and hat.
There are always the same handful of men hanging around outside on the sidewalk and it’s always the same scenario. When they see me, or any other woman, approaching, they turn and stare. Their gazes quickly brush my face, then they tilt their heads, lock their eyes onto my breasts or butt until I am out of sight. They don’t make room, but force me to either step onto the street or squeeze past.
I avoid eye contact when I walk past because the few times I stared right back, I only caught their smug, unapologetic grins. Their expression tells me how much they enjoy making me feel uncomfortable, knowing that I wouldn’t ever confront five guys built like Arnold. Knowing that there are no consequences for their behavior, yet that I will be feeling gross and degraded for the rest of the day.
Something like this happens to me, and every woman that I know, almost daily. We’re used to it, but we’ll never not be affected by it. Street harassment has nothing to do with flirting and everything to do with dominance, putting women in their place. And I, as an independent woman in my 30s, am at a loss about how to handle it.
It’s just too exhausting. What’s the point in telling someone they crossed a line when they did so deliberately (setting aside that this can also be dangerous)? The smug grins of the barber shop guys show that they know exactly where the line is. Yet they cross it so comfortably because they know that the space between the line of “not ok” and “illegal” can fit a country the size of Belgium. And then there is still more space for them to roam until they reach the line of “illegal AND sanctioned”.
The worst part is, it’s not just random creeps and it’s not just street harassment. It’s not a matter of intellect or education or background. Being disrespected and having our boundaries violated also happens regularly with the men we date, the men we chose to trust because they seem like nice guys. At first.
I recall a Tinder date where the guy kept putting his hand very high up on my thigh as we sat in a bar. I inched my chair away from him and instead of retracting, he followed until I was backed into a corner.
I recall kissing someone at a New Years Eve party, but telling him “no” when he asked me to go back to his. He kept asking and pleading and guilt tripping me for “leading him on”, until my exhausted, drunk self finally gave in.
I recall a guy who told me “I really don’t care what you do” after the condom broke and left me to pay for the Plan B pill by myself. (I never heard from him again, for all he knows he could have a child).
I recall someone countering my “I don’t want this” during sex with an audacious “but I do”, and continuing to cause me pain.
And I recall more encounters with men where I felt icky afterwards, where I knew that my boundaries were violated, but also thought that it wasn’t “bad enough” to be allowed to complain about.
All of these men were smart, educated, on the political left and most of them would probably call themselves feminists.
Are you asking yourself why I went along with all of this? Why I picked those guys? Why I didn’t remove myself from these situations earlier? Well, these questions haunt me in my sleep. But maybe we should also finally stop asking women why they let themselves get hurt.
“But it also felt like yet another burden placed on women: to be gatekeepers, whose comfort and safety were predicated on having the right level of self-confidence and self-possession even in their most vulnerable moments.“
This is a quote from Christine Emba, author of “Rethinking Sex”. Emba calls into question whether consent is enough for us to have good sex. Consent is an essential baseline, she says, but more importantly: “Why do we settle for asking what’s legal rather than what’s actively good?”
“Things don’t have to be criminal to be profoundly bad. And the fact that so many of the people around me relate so deeply to stories of harrowing dates and lackluster encounters shows that a lot of us are having a lot of bad sex. Unwanted, depressing, even traumatic: if this is ordinary, something is deeply wrong."
This part of it being a collective experience, is also what struck me most when I read Sofia Rönnow Pessah’s novel “The men in my life”. This book is like nothing I have ever read before, it’s raw and shocking and scarily relatable. It’s a story about female sexuality, self-deceit and mental health – and it leaves the reader with some burning questions about how we handle consent today. There’s one quote that struck me in particular (sorry if I butchered the translation):
“Being able to say No is an illusion. Sex remains only voluntary, as long as he allows it to be.”
Of course that’s not always the case, and of course there are also men who feel pressured to do things they don’t want to do. I genuinely believe that most of us do not want to hurt other people. Yet we do, all the time.
The general problem – as I see it – is that we as a society have maneuvered ourselves into a place, where we believe that the conversation about consent and how to treat each other well is over. Settled. Whereas, it should have only just begun.
So, let’s pick it back up. And this time, let’s include how internalized misogyny informs our negotiations of consent. How it’s sometimes demanded from a place of entitlement or given to “be nice” to a pushy partner and avoid something worse. Let’s make each other feel safe enough to say what we actually want and don’t want.
Ultimately, let’s make sure that women are not the only ones who have to constantly fight for not having their boundaries violated – because it’s so much more effective when men send other men back behind the line.
To end on a positive example: Back in the old days, I was dancing in a club when a creep came rubbing up against my body again and again, even though I had told him to f*ck off. Eventually, a complete stranger shielded my back, so that the creep found himself dry-humping another man’s thigh. That instantly sent him away. And the stranger? Just nodded at me and went about his night, without expecting any form of gratitude. More of this, please.
pop culture pleasures
Obviously, couldn’t recommend more: Sofia Rönnow Pessah’s novel, which is currently available in Swedish, Danish, Finnish, German and Spanish – and hopefully also soon in English.
Christine Emba’s essay “Consent is not enough” in The Washington Post.
Still on topic: This Girls Gotta Eat episode titled “Inside the Male Mind” could help us all communicate better.
The state of women’s rights in the USA is dire, and Lyz Lenz gives us the (depressing) gist of it.
This is a very chaotic, yet also weirdly fascinating personal essay about The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside”. Millennials will appreciate it.
So, apparently there’s a 22-year-old TikTok star shamelessly milking millions of lovestruck GenX women for money. Captivating read about “thirst-trap induced hysteria”.
Why do we find people with no social media so hot? Maybe because they’re not scamming innocent Boomer ladies, or maybe because: “There’s something about being online that is just fundamentally embarrassing.” True.
I still have social media so that I can send clips like this one to everyone I know. Literally one of the funniest bits I have seen or heard this year.
Too much positivity in your life stifles growth. Or: How to use the feeling of regret to drive change. I love everything Lindsay Crouse writes, and this inspiring story about Japanese runner Mariko Yugeta, who ran her first sub 3 marathon after turning 60, is no exception.
The Atlantic explores the sky rocketing rates of depression and anxiety among teenagers. Spoiler, reasons include: social media, global events and, surprisingly, modern parenting strategies.
How e-mail took over our lives (and not in a good way): A great, slightly dystopian, “You’re Wrong About” podcast episode with Anne Helen Petersen about life before and after the invention of online communication tools.
Last week I re-listened to (rather: re-binged) the podcast S-Town and I can now confidently say that it remains, from a storytelling perspective, the best podcast series ever published.
For fellow podcast nerds: Insights from Brian Reed, the maker of the best podcast series ever published.
This is all for today, thank you so much for being here.
Until next time,
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Inwards/Onwards #7
The most chaotic dream interpretation
I have this recurring dream about tornados. It usually goes like this: I am outside and there’s a storm brewing. The sky turns an eerie yellow, as it sometimes did when I lived in the Midwest.
I can feel the wind picking up and then I spot a funnel forming in the distance. I get nervous and scan my surroundings. Some nights there are horses around, some nights other people. They all remain calm. So I don’t panic either. We watch the tornado pass by at a safe distance. Then I turn around and – boom! – another tornado (sometimes that one is on fire, like wtf?) has crept up right behind me. There’s absolutely no escape route, so I just stare at it, paralyzed. That’s when I wake up.