Hello and Happy New Year!
It’s been a while and I am so glad that you are still here, reading this. I thought what better time to revive our relationship than the first day of the new year. Have you made any resolutions for 2022? Are you hopeful for what the year will bring?
To me it seems there are only two types of people in this world, or on social media, during this time of year. The ones who predict 2022 is going to be even worse than 2021, and the ones who think that 2022 is going to be nothing short of miraculous. I’m wary of both.
If I’d think that the next year is going to be worse than the last one (which by any objective measure was a shitshow), then what would be the point in getting up in the morning? In doing anything? Exactly.
The turn of the year is nothing but a date in the calendar, but it offers humankind the crutch of a clean slate. We get to draw a line under the past twelve months, we are invited to take stock and set intentions for the next twelve months. For a short, sweet moment in time we get to relish in the utter conviction that “next year, things will get better”. Our capacity to hope for a better future is what keeps us alive. It’s what makes us endure the greatest hardships. We lose hope, we lose the will to live.
Still, the sentiment that next year everything will be amazing also makes me uncomfortable. We tell ourselves and our friends that next year will be “our year”, because we believe we deserve it. We deserve a really, really good year. We have been through some shit and we deserve that all our dreams come true. And we do. So, so much. However, the facts don’t change just because the calendar does. The pandemic will still be raging in 2022. The climate crisis will get worse. Everything we have struggled with in our personal lives in December will be there to greet us in January.
So, I have been trying to find some middle ground. Something in between blind hope and despair. Something along the lines of faith, acceptance and confidence.
Last night I sat down to do my end-of-year reflections. I always make two lists, one of the Lows and one of the Highs of the past year. I then compared the lists. To my surprise, the one with the Highs was much longer. I was surprised because if you asked me to summarize my 2021 with one word I would choose “ugh”. Or: “exhaustion”.
During the first half of the year I was exhausted because I was stuck in something called a high-functioning depression and lots of anxiety. During the second half of the year I was exhausted because I started therapy in June, where I unpacked a lot of painful memories, and then later started to slowly break harmful patterns of behavior. There was also still lots of anxiety. And loneliness.
Looking back on my lists, I realized that I had put a lot of the really hard stuff down as a High. As a lesson. In 2021, I have learned both, to look out for myself and to ask for help when I couldn’t.
I had some really hard conversations this past year, both professionally and personally. I set boundaries and defended them. For the first time ever. I communicated my needs and forced myself to walk away from situations where those needs couldn’t be met. And it sucked. Rejection sucks. But it also made me grow. It did wonders for my self-esteem. By no means do I want to glorify pain, and I don’t think we can only grow through pain, but that was my reality this year.
So, when I think about the new year, I am one hundred percent certain that it won’t be the year of my dreams. I am bringing lots of baggage, and so is the world around me. But I am certain that I am equipped to deal with most of what life throws at me. I have proven this to myself this year. And I find that kind of confidence much more re-assuring than simply trusting that everything will magically work itself out. (Although I’m also open to that option, dear universe!)
If you’re still here, if you have made it through all of these lockdowns, through all of this uncertainty, if you’ve taken care of your family, if you have held yourself through the loneliness, then you, my friend, are also well-equipped for another trip around the sun.
2022 will be challenging for all of us, but it will also hold pockets of joy. I’m sure of it.
Although it’s been so long since we last talked, I only want to recommend two things today:
The Netflix show “Anxious People”, which is an adaption of the Fredrik Backman bestseller and the single most heart-warming thing I have seen on screen this year. It’s funny and just filled to the brim with kindness.
Pandora Syke’s podcast-conversation with Helen Russell, titled “How to be sad”. Because that’s something we all need to learn properly.
Ending with some personal news: I have quit my job and am as of now, January 1st, working as a freelance podcast producer and writer. If you have any projects you need support with, or know of anyone who does, I’d love to hear from you. Given these developments, I now also have time to work out what this little newsletter’s future looks like, so watch this space. 👀
Until next time,