Dating straight men, or: The Audacity
Dating straight men, or: The Audacity
If you're waiting for a sign to get off the apps, this is it.
In the last issue, I have tried to advocate for a more nuanced conversation around singlehood – and for stopping to see the nuclear family as the be-all and end-all of intimate life. I have since spent a lot of time reflecting on why dating men has been feeling more and more insufferable to me.
Before we dive in, I’m going to say this once, but it’s not an excuse to throw your hands up and say “not my problem”: Not all men.
There’s a distinct correlation between my exploration of feminist theory and my frustration with dating. It’s so blatantly obvious that while the women and some men in our society are taking baby steps towards dismantling misogyny and internalized sexism, the realm of dating (for straight people, I should add), remains mostly unfazed.
The game is skewed from the start – because girls and boys are prepared very differently for mating season. The system tells girls that we are nothing unless we find a man who will marry us. Boys are encouraged to pick the right woman (and sleep with as many as they can before settling down). In the patriarchy, a woman’s existence is validated by marriage and motherhood, while a man doesn’t have to do anything more than to exist in order to be validated.
As women, we have been conditioned to make sure that men never feel embarrassed or angry. Men have been conditioned to be the strong, stoic breadwinner and not take shit from women. As women, we have internalized that it's our job to respond to the male gaze and play the role we've been cast in, to flatter men with our existence and our praise.
We have had to internalize this in order to keep us safe. I don’t know if you’ve ever had to absorb the shock of a shattered male ego and feared for your safety, but it’s truly life changing. If you haven’t, here’s a taste. Statistically, every day in Germany a man tries to kill his partner or ex-partner. Every third day one of those attempts results in the death of a woman. The cases of rape, abuse and domestic violence are exponentially higher.
So the starting position for dating, still today, is: Women feel pressured to find someone, anyone, who will validate their existence while simultaneously worrying about dating men who might physically hurt them. Men, on the other hand, worry about dating women who might wear too much make-up or not enough make-up or want an emotional connection before sex. You can guess who has the upper hand in this game – even though we live in a time where a lot of women are, or could be, financially independent and thus face no economic pressure to settle.
All these mechanisms are internalized and play out in the subconscious, but they manifest once you open a dating app and look at straight men’s profiles. At first you can chuck out all the ones who didn’t bother to fill in their bio, because that tells you exactly how much effort they are willing to put into a relationship (if a relationship is what you are looking for on the apps). Then you continue to wade through a sea of red flags, which looks like:
“Don’t take yourself too seriously”
“No drama, please”
“#goodvibesonly”
“Looking for an uncomplicated woman”
What exactly is a “complicated woman”? It’s a woman who dares to expect that her partner treats her with the same level of respect and care as she does. What is dramatic woman? It’s a woman who asserts her boundaries, knows who she is, what she needs and how to communicate it. And what about taking oneself too seriously? Clementine Ford said it very clearly in one of her Insta stories last week: Men who say they want a woman who doesn’t take herself too seriously, actually want a woman who they don’t need to take seriously. BUT who will in turn take them seriously – because nobody takes themselves more seriously than a straight cis man.
In short, the men who post these phrases could also just say: I’m not willing to respect your boundaries, care about your needs or do the bare minimum that is required to establish a healthy relationship. The good thing about these men is, they sort themselves out. If it looks like a red flag and quacks like a red flag, then it probably is a red flag. Swipe left.
The real problem starts when you actually start to date someone. It’s often an experience that can only be described with: The Audacity.
I had a man roll up to a first date (in a bar!) in sweatpants, clearly not having showered for days. Another one arrived so hungover, he could hardly speak. I have had dates in which the guy didn’t ask me one single question about myself. I have been invited back to men’s apartments which were filthier than a 20-bed hostel dorm in Amsterdam. I have had a guy mansplain my job to me and then completely loose his shit when I called him out.
I have also had nice dates, thank god, but the core problem appears to be that a lot of men don’t seem to feel the need to put in effort. Not even a little bit. Not in the first date, not in the relationship. Partly due to their own conditioning, partly because women do not only let them get away with it, but happily excuse their garbage behaviour. You know, he doesn’t mean to not remember my friends names / not ask about my day / ignore my “take it slow” during sex – he just can’t help it, the poor baby. (Which is of course also due to patriarchal conditioning, so yeah.)
One of the reasons why I’m single is that I have decided to stop participating in this limbo of lowering the bar for men. We have reached sea level and I quite frankly have no more energy to tiptoe around a fragile male ego, laugh at bad jokes, shrink my personality, explain consent to a fully grown, thirty-something man and deny my most basic human needs.
Here’s the catch 22: Unfortunately, I would really like to have another romantic relationship at some point in the future. And in the meantime, at least have decent sex with someone who respects me and my entire gender. I know there are some good eggs out there, far and few between, but I haven’t quite figured out how to make myself jump back into the world of dating. All I know is that it probably won’t happen on any of the apps. Or maybe it will, but only after some serious inner work.
Clementine Ford and Florence Given had some very sound advice, also on Instagram. It went something like: We can only navigate this world freely when we don’t seek validation from men anymore. Once we have weaned ourselves off of wanting their approval. Only then can we find a partner who is simply a very welcome addition to our lives – but not a necessity worth compromising our mental, and sometimes physical, health for. And I’m getting there, but it’s a slow process and it’s not linear. It’s three steps forward and two steps back. For now, I’ll just focus on building the best life for myself.
pop culture pleasures
Much of this issue has been informed by the work of Australian author and feminist Clementine Ford, who I have discovered only recently. If you’re just as late to the party as me, you can get to know her in this episode of the Shameless podcast and if you’re ready for some hard truths, tough love and hilarious take downs, please follow her on Instagram.
Clementine Ford also hosts her own podcast called Big Sister Hotline, in which she invites stellar guests to have frank discussions and answer listener questions. I have been binging it this week and my favorite episodes so far are the ones with Ijeoma Oluo, Florence Given and Laura Bates.
In one of those episodes I was introduced to the term “emotional conquistador”, coined by Jezebel writer Tracie Egan Morrissey. It’s a short piece, but pretty revelatory. It describes the type of guy who lays it on thick from the start (you know, compliments, forehead kisses, going on about how much he likes you) and then falls off the face of the earth the second you catch feelings. Why? Because getting women into bed is no challenge in the age of sexually-liberated women anymore.
“With the age-old option of sexual conquering removed from the equation, this male faction has been reduced to finding new ways to subjugate women, in order to feel better about themselves.”
In the face of all that, let’s do it like Annie Lord – who has become a beloved regular in this section – and stick to our imaginary boyfriends.
I just read the hit novella “Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982” by Cho Nam-Joo, which was a great success in South Korea and has gone on to be an international bestseller. It describes the live of the everywoman in Korea and it struck me how relatable it was in many ways – how sexism and misogyny look, sound and feel the same in every culture. Also, this observation hit home:
“The world had changed a great deal, but the little rules, contracts, and customs had not, which meant the world hadn’t actually changed at all.”
Some lighter entertainment: Daisy Buchanan and Dolly Alderton had a very candid and fun conversation about all things sex on the Insatiable podcast.
I watched Firefly Lane on Netflix, which is a soothing comfort watch about female friendship over the decades and absolutely worth watching for all the 80s fashion. I also really liked Katherine Heigl’s character.
Last weekend I had a little meltdown about going on the gazillionth walk of the pandemic and just in time Monica Heisey wrote the perfect piece in the Guardian about hating “the joyless trudge” yet still having no other option.
🇩🇪 In der SZ habe ich diese beiden wundervollen Interviews gefunden: Lara Fritzsche spricht mit Connie Palmen über die Liebe und Christian Mayer hat mit Benedict Wells (in den ich möglicherweise etwas doll verliebt bin) über die Jugend und warum wir sie so gerne verklären. Sind hinter der Paywall, aber für beide lohnt sich das Digitalabo.
animal video of the week
This sausage dog is a mood.
☕️ If you enjoyed this issue and would like to fuel my work, you can buy me a coffee. Or if you’re a little skint at the moment, which I totally get, you can support my work by sharing it and getting the word out. Either way, I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to read my rant.
Until next time,
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