I'm not here to be nice
Hi friend!
Remember what I talked about last week? Yes, Jack Whitehall. But also: That it is not only men who get agitated when asked to speak or write in a way which includes everyone – and not just people who identify as male. Plenty of women (of all ages) also vigorously oppose gendered language.
While I was still confused why any woman would advocate making herself invisible in public discourse, Nicole Schöndorfer tweeted this. She says that throwing other women under the bus by stressing that you find this petty political correctness just as annoying as the next dude, is the best way to advance in a man's world. And that makes sense (in a fairly revolting way), doesn't it?
When I researched this kind of behavior more deeply, I came across something called "the likability trap". It refers to the understanding that for a woman to be admired or respected, she first and foremost has to be likable. Meaning, she should be humble, compliant, selfless and quiet.
Every day, every woman goes the extra mile to ensure that she is likable and – god forbid – not threatening any male egos. How? Australian journalist Brodie Lancaster sharply reveals this in her TED Talk, so let's check the list together:
Phrasing any order like the other person is doing you a really big favor (Guilty)
Raising your voice an octave when asking for something (Have you heard my phone voice?)
Apologizing before voicing your opinion or asking a question (This has my name all over it. Sorry.)
Dulling yourself down in conversations (Have definitely done this during dates in my early 20s)
Siding with men on issues which threaten the patriarchy – like gendered language (Ok that's not me.)
Assertive, direct and honest women are usually not deemed likable and rarely rewarded with success. Um, wait, what happens to assertive, direct and honest men again? This is a rhetorical question, but let us have the Queen Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie answer this:
"We don't teach boys to care about being likable. We spend too much time telling girls that they cannot be angry or aggressive or tough, which is bad enough, but then we turn around and either praise or excuse men for the same reasons."
This quote is from Adichies wonderful essay "We Should All Be Feminists", which I think should be required reading for absolutely everyone and their cousin. I further recommend her speech at the 2015 Girls Write Now Awards – where she also calls bullshit on likability.
Speaking of assertive, direct and honest women, enter: Kara Swisher! The Cut spoke with the most respected tech journalist in the business about ambition, success and the difference between bragging and knowing what you're good at. It is a super inspirational interview, which also happens to shine a light on the path out of the likability trap.
"If people don’t like you for some inane reason, then why worry what they think? And if you don’t worry about what people think of you, you can do almost anything."
🇩🇪 ⭐️ Neben der Erkenntnis, dass wir noch sehr weit weg davon sind, in einer gerechten Gesellschaft zu leben, gibt es noch Hoffnung. Der bedeutende Kurt-Tucholsky-Preis für literarische Publizistik geht in diesem Jahr nämlich an die energische, direkte, mutige Margarete Stokowski – für ihre "kompromisslose Entlarvung gesellschaftlicher Missstände". Yes!
🎧 Und noch ein bisschen easy peasy Unterhaltung aus der Kategorie #popculturepleasures. Es geht um "Ja ja, nee nee", den neuen Podcast von Benjamin von Stuckrad-Barre und Jasna Fritzi Bauer. Die taz ist von dem Spotify Original so gar nicht amused und nennt es eine banale Mischung aus Hedonismus und Zynismus für "Großstadt-People".
Ich scheine inzwischen auch in die Kategorie der hedonistischen Großstadt-Zyniker zu fallen, denn ich fühle ich mich hier einfach nur fantastisch unterhalten. Außerdem lehne ich mich mal aus dem Fenster und sage: Wer Soloalbum so arg geliebt hat wie ich, wird auch diesen Podcast sehr, sehr gut finden.
That's all for now!
Have a lovely week,
Anna