Table for one, please
Good morning,
and please repeat after me:
This is not only one of my favorite Friends lines (#TeamPhoebe all the way), but has also become my mantra when it comes to social events which feel like obligations. Not because I am an anti-social loner – but because I have finally learned that without spending enough (quality) time alone, I'm anxious, irritable and a bad friend. This might sound contradictory, but the only way I can connect to people and really show up for the ones near and dear to me, is when I show up for myself first. It took me a good 28 years to figure this out – and a little longer to actually act on it.
This ZEIT article (🇩🇪 in German, sorry) by Jule Hoffmann, which a friend recommend to me, has been a true eye opener as to why my epiphany came so late. Jule analyzes how we as women have been raised to avoid being alone at all costs. How it is drilled into us that "ending up alone" is the worst thing that can possibly happen to us. Her most powerful point, I believe, is when she says that a woman's freedom to live an independent life is still structurally undermined by the stigma that a woman on her own is "faulty" (think crazy cat lady). Phew.
I found a similar text in English, which talks about the two kinds of fears that come with being alone: The fear of judgment by others and the fear of missing out. Author Madeleine Dore has left both of these fears behind and delivers a waterproof plea (and helpful guide) for "dating yourself" – no matter whether you're single or coupled off.
"After all, mastering the art of solitude isn't about being antisocial, but rather knowing and understanding ourselves better in order to connect to others."
Do you know what's craziest about this whole topic? That there is some very reliable data which proves that women live longer, happier and healthier lives when they remain unmarried. Whereas men live healthier and happier when being married (because they have someone looking after them). Now let's think: Who has an interest in keeping the stigma of the flawed single woman alive? Could it be men? 😱
“You see a single woman of 40, who has never had children – ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’ No, maybe she’ll meet the wrong guy and that’ll change. Maybe she’ll meet a guy who makes her less happy and healthy, and die sooner.”
⭐️ There is no way I'm mastering a smooth transition to the next piece, so let's jump right in: I thoroughly enjoyed this Vox interview with Rachel Bernard – who is a professional brand namer, yes that's a job. She talks about masculine- and feminine-sounding names, why she hates the name "Haagen Dasz" and discloses her biggest naming fail. I recommend this light read to anyone who is into linguistics, the creative/design industry or ballsy women who have a few career tricks up their sleeve.
📚The novel "Conversations with Friends" by Sally Rooney, however, I'll recommend to anyone and everyone, full stop. It's a masterpiece about youth, love, friendship, power, vulnerability – and it made me long for being a reckless 21-year-old again as much as it made me grateful for having left this powerless, floating state of not knowing where (and if) I belong. Written in the most beautiful prose. By a 25-year-old.
I could try to review it, but Meaghan O'Connell's essay "Girl Wonder" simply can't be matched. It's a very honest piece in which she reflects on feeling jealous of Rooney's youth when she first heard about her success. But it's also a brilliant, lovely critique of a book that has the power to soften us, to help us come to terms with our own youth.
"It’s so easy to confuse sexual power with actual power, to confuse aimlessness with freedom, bravado with self-respect. (...) Reading this book I felt a protective tenderness toward my younger self. It forced me to rebuild alliances with myself. Dismissing myself as having been foolish, or reckless, had been easier, I could see."
🎧 (And if you're a fellow member of the Rooney fanclub, you'll probably also enjoy this podcast interview with the literary wonder woman herself.)
That's about it for the week, let's start a revolution and clear some time in our agenda to spend aaaall by ourselves.
Have a lovely week,
Anna