Carry yourself like a mediocre white man
Hi,
I really don't want to use the phrase "in case you needed to hear this today", because it's so trite. However, "carry yourself like a mediocre white man" is something I actually did need to hear today. And yesterday. And I will need to hear it again tomorrow. Quite possibly everyday for the rest of my life.
For one, because it's funny and so on point – you know exactly what it means, right? Displaying utter confidence in yourself, your work and your place in the world, warranted or not (shout out to the fabulous ladies from whom I picked the phrase up).
But I also need to put this on a post-it as a constant reminder to stop self-deprecating, to stop playing down my own achievements and to stop apologizing for taking up space – or, well, existing.
Here's a fresh example from only last week: After a solid eight hours of recording, editing, more recording, more editing, and mastering a podcast episode, I finally hit the export button, sighed and announced to my colleague: "Done. And it's really good!" – which I immediately followed up with an embarrassed "Jeez, sorry, I didn't mean to brag!".
Luckily, said colleague is a man and promptly reassured me that it was, in fact, ok to have confidence in my own work and to celebrate when things work out. (Aside from the fact that it would be a little unfortunate if I didn't think I was good at doing the stuff that pays my bills).
It's not just me: Since I started to work in journalism five years ago, I have sent out countless interview requests. It's shocking how many times women – who were clearly experts in their field – declined the request with a "Very sorry, but I don't think I'm qualified. Here's a list of (predominantly male) colleagues, who I think are better suited."
Most men, on the other hand, will agree to be interviewed on anything – doesn't even matter if it's their expertise or not. And on a podcast? "Marvellous, my mate and I are actually thinking of launching one ourselves!". I'm generalizing here, of course, but I collected enough data over the last years to back these claims up.
I also notice this phenomenon when reading/listening to interviews with women I admire. Instead of owning their success, their ambition and their skills, they will self-deprecate and stress how lucky they were to get each of those eight high-profile-jobs in which they then worked incredibly hard to get to where they are now. They do so, because society has brutal repercussions in place for women who are perceived to be conceited (aka who carry themselves like a mediocre white man).
Why? Again, it all comes down to likeability – a recurring theme in the Verve Letter and one of the bedrocks of the patriarchy. From day one on this earth, girls are drilled to be good, be nice, to place the needs of others above their own, and, by all means, to stay in their lane. Here's a reminder from Katha Pollitt of what that comes down to:
"A likable woman doesn’t talk too loud or too much. She doesn’t take up too much space, isn’t too sexy or too dowdy, and gracefully eludes confrontation. In short, she doesn’t demand anything that men would rather keep for themselves, be it political power or sexual autonomy or the right to be safe after having a couple of drinks. A likable woman doesn’t challenge women, either, by reminding them of the compromises they’ve made and the edges they’ve trimmed off their personalities."
Confidence is sexy – but only in the bedroom. In any other situation, a confident woman is arrogant and pushy. Confident men? Yeah, we don't need to talk about how society sees them. Elizabeth Day has also tackled this maddening dichotomy in the Daily Mail. She writes,
I could rant about this unfairness for days, but I do want to leave on an empowering note. Two empowering notes, actually:
First, if you hit (some of) your goals, meet your deadlines or simply put, do something that enables you to pay your rent, then YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. You're not a fraud. And you have permission – no, the duty – to own it.
Second, thankfully there are more and more unapologetic women out there blazing a path for us. For example, I like to come back to this NYT op-ed by author Jessica Knoll every once in a while. She says that her main career goal is doing whatever she can to become rich, and she explores why this notion is frowned upon in women – and celebrated in men.
Before we move on to my random yet cherished link collection, I need to flag a crushing news story which taught me a new word I'd really rather not know: derecho (pronounced deh-REY-cho). A derecho is basically an inland hurricane, or a series of thunderstorms which produce winds exceeding 100 miles per hour.
Last Monday, one of those beasts hit a place that I used to call home: Eastern Iowa. Well, it hit most of the American Midwest, but Iowa and Illinois caught the worst of it. Iowa is an agricultural state and one of the largest producers of corn and soy beans in the US. The storm destroyed more than one third(!) of all farm land and also thousands of silos.
Worst of all, every single property in the Cedar Rapids area has been damaged – some more, some less severe. My heart breaks every time I scroll through my feed. Friends of mine have lost their homes, their livelihood, and have been without power for an entire week (together with one million others). Some are living in tents. Luckily, they are unharmed – but it'll cost them a fortune to get back on their feet.
Why am I telling you this? Because money goes where attention goes. And this natural disaster did not only receive zero coverage on this side of the pond, but also only very little national coverage in the US. Here's the gist.
⭐️ Alright, now on to my personal collection of articles, podcasts and people of note:
If you need some more inspiration to live your life unapologetically, I urge you to follow Jess Megan. She is a force of nature, gorgeous, knows her feminism – and frequently shares how she (verbally) dismantles misogynistic pricks when they come at her with hateful DMs.
The Pudding published an extraordinary piece of data journalism: they analyzed thousands of data points to predict which hit songs of the 90s will be remembered by future generations. Spoiler: "No Diggity" is not it. (It's very US centric, so I'm missing treasures like The Kelly Family, Take That or Blümchen, but it's still fascinating).
I've been loving Annie Lord's dating column for Vogue UK. My favorite so far are her musings on whether there is ever a good time to bump into an ex, and I'm just going to let her say it: "When it comes to bumping into your ex there’s just the way that hurts and then the way that ensures you’re going to hurt later down the line." Amen.
Podcast-wise I have been listening to a lot of great interviews with older women – some may say icons – over the past two weeks. Purely coincidental, but I found them all very inspiring yet soothing at the same time. My favorites include Gloria Steinem and Bernardine Evaristo on How To Fail, and Zadie Smith on the Adam Buxton Podcast (although Zadie Smith is far from old, she radiates such wisdom).
Adam Buxton also had journalist Helen Lewis on his show and had her talk him through the time she interviewed Jordan Petersen. (Petersen is a very influential and misogynistic intellectual, who scares the crap out of me.)
🇩🇪 Lisa McMinn hat für Vice eine bewegende Reportage geschrieben: Es geht um eine junge Frau, die in der Folge eines Darmverschlusses im siebten Monat ihr Kind verliert und selbst dabei fast stirbt. Lasst euch von der Clickbaity-Überschrift nicht in die Irre führen, der Text ist wirklich sehr ergreifend.
🇩🇪 Und wenn ihr die Podcast-Folge hören wollt, an der ich so lange gearbeitet habe, dann bitteschön. Ich spreche mit einer NOZ-Kollegin, die zur Hundekampf-Szene in Deutschland recherchiert hat. Was dort passiert, ist unfassbar grausam und nichts für schwache Nerven.
Now, this issue was a bit more on the heavy side. Feel free to send me some recommendations of articles, shows or podcasts which cheered you up lately – I'd love to hear from you.
Until next time,
Anna
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