Why joy is so terrifying
Hi,
it's been quiet here, because I recently moved. It was a very special move. Because for the first time in my 31 years, I moved to a new apartment only because I wanted to. Not for uni, a relationship, a job or a terminated contract.
For the last 2-6 years there have only been two places in the world, where I could really, really see myself living. One is the west coast of Vancouver Island, the other one is a certain 500 meter radius within Hamburg. After having had a close eye on the rental market in Hamburg for a few months, a move to Canada seemed much more realistic than finding *the* place in my city.
So when the perfect apartment just fell into my lap and everything was settled in under 36 hours, I couldn't believe my luck. I still can't. It's been three weeks since I moved in and I still have a slightly demented grin on my face every time I come home, turn the key and hurdle my way across left-over moving debris (will there ever be no chaos?).
I haven't been this happy in about two years, and I also haven't been this terrified in about two years. I keep thinking that this is too good to be true, and am constantly creating worst case scenarios in my head. As a result, I try reining in my joy, because I feel like if I celebrate too much, the universe will feel the need to restore balance and hit me over the head with tragedy.
Have I lost it? Possibly. But according to Brené Brown, I'm not alone in this bizarre and confusing mental state. She calls what I'm experiencing "foreboding joy", and what I'm doing "catastrophizing". Yikes. But apparently, "dress-rehearsing tragedy" whenever we feel overwhelmed by joy is quite common:
The only way to ever stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, says Brené, is practicing gratitude and embracing that we feel vulnerable in moments of sheer joy.
I would never argue with the queen of emotions, but I would like to add another factor into the mix: sharing joy. It is the one thing that allowed me to lean into this happiness without fearing the fall. My friends being happy for me, and celebrating this life change with me, was incredibly moving and made it all the more real. It made me feel seen, and it also made me realize how important it is to know what makes each of us happy, to know what our dreams, goals and aspirations are. True friends are not only there in the hard moments, but they know when to pop the champagne, too.
"Celebrate their wins like they’re your wins",
as Buzzfeed lists in this More Or Less Definitive Guide To Showing Up For Friends. Particularly in, and after, these bleak Covid-times, let's vow to celebrate each other more. Because while happiness is not only real when shared, it is oh so much sweeter.
One last note: I find it so important that we as women start celebrating milestones which have nothing to do with the roadmap laid out for us by the patriarchy. After a certain age, women seem to be celebrated for two things only: Being able to find themselves a man and reproducing.
Yes, weddings and babies are joyous occasions and I sure do love a good wedding party. But so is every other meaningful life event which makes us happy and gives our life meaning. Examples include but aren't limited to: getting promoted, moving places, changing careers, adopting a pet, launching a big project, paying off a loan or booking that trip we have always dreamed of.
⭐️ Now on to things other than my apartment which brought me joy lately:
Re-reading Rainesford Stauffer's 2018 essay in The Cut on what happens when you cut all ties with a past life and spend almost a year without a personal life. Yes, you get lonely. But you also learn how to build your tribe: "Picking who you want to share your life with — not just dudes, but friends — is the most powerful thing you’ll ever do.”
This Vulture profile of the one, the only, Phoebe Bridgers. She talks about the "sad girl" genre, about dedicating her latest record to her first dog and about Paul Mescal. But, most importantly, she talks about how her hit single "Motion Sickness" is about the emotional abuse she experienced at the hands of her ex-fling Ryan Adams. Yes, the Ryan Adams. I completely missed that NYT-story when it broke last year, but my god. That guy is a piece of shit.
Two books: "Exciting Times" by Naoise Dolan and "Notes To Self" by Emilie Pine. Lots of wonderful things have been said about Pine's very personal essays on womanhood, and I can only agree. They are courageous, unapologetic and moving. Naoise Dolan has been compared to Sally Rooney and her style is indeed quite similar: It's dry, sharp and analytical in all the right ways. I especially loved the way she explores the gap between what’s felt and what’s spoken and how we use language to try and forge our identity.
I found a new podcast I really enjoy! "Is this working", hosted by Anna Codrea-Rado and Tiffany Philippou, is basically centered around the question: How do we want to live and work, if work is more than a job? My favorite episodes so far are the one with Anne Helen Petersen (about burning out in a job you love) and the one with Pandora Sykes (about finding happiness at work).
Jameela Jamil is a regular in this section, but every single "I Weigh" episode so far has been absolutely extraordinary. All of her guests are honest, fierce yet vulnerable and they all have dedicated their lives to making this world a kinder place. The latest episodes features Stephanie Yeboah and offers great, yet infuriating, insights into how the socio-political body positivity movement was hijacked by white straight-sized influencer girls and is now nothing more than a meaningless hashtag.
Ita O'Brien was the intimacy coordinator on the set of both Sex Education and Normal People and I personally think she's a magician for creating such deep, moving intimacy on screen. Hannah Witton interviews her for her Doing It! podcast and asks all the right questions.
More newsletters! Last year, everyone suddenly had a podcast, this year, it's newsletters. And I love it. It's my favorite medium and there can never be enough good newsletters out there. Two of my newest inbox-additions are Camilla Zuleger's Nord-Verlag newsletter (in German, and it's the best of both worlds: Scandi-culture and books) and The Meander from Dolly Alderton. Fun fact: In her first issue, Dolly recommends "Beautiful Ruins" by Jess Walter as the perfect summer read. Just like I did last year. Great minds think alike, amirite?!
I have INHALED the first season of Schitt's Creek (on Netflix, courtesy of my VPN client). It's filling the Modern Family shaped hole in my life and it walks the fine line between cringe and hilarity like no other show I have ever seen.
Alright, I think we are all caught up for now. If you enjoy my musings, I'd greatly appreciate it if you shared this newsletter with your friends, family, neighbours or followers.
Love,
Anna