The in and out of feeling like sh*t at the moment
Hi friend,
I'm already breaking out of my newly imposed bi-weekly newsletter schedule, but hey – my house, my rules. Or: no rules. I just felt like writing a newsletter this weekend, because I've been having lots of feelings which need sorting out. Publicly, apparently. (And because I have four days off next weekend and want to stay as far away from my laptop as possible.)
Remember how last week l recommended Lauren Bravo's piece about everyone being more of a dick right now? And how I said I hoped I could dig myself out of the Permanent Mardiness Syndrome soon? Guess what happened.
Although, annoyed is probably too soft. Because I only kept digging myself deeper into this dick-ish feeling. Throughout the past week I went through an emotional rollercoaster of anger, irritability and exhaustion – to the point where I did not even recognize myself anymore.
Why am I telling you all this? Not because I want your pity. I got plenty of self-pity, believe you me. No, because I I know that I am not the only one experiencing this at the moment and I think two things really help: Understanding why we feel the way we feel, and knowing how to lift your spirits again.
First up, how did we get into this mess? (Feel free to pick and mix as it applies to you.)
1. Acceptance. Or rather, a lack thereof.
One source of my anger is that I struggle with applying the concept of radical acceptance. I have interviewed quite a few psychologists over the past few weeks and they all agree that in order to stay sane during this pandemic, we absolutely must accept that this is our new normal. Without "but", "if only" or "why me?". In theory, this makes a lot of sense. There is really nothing we can do to change the situation, so we might as well make our peace with it, right?
However, I just cannot seem to accept that my life as I knew it has simply been paused. I feel like two months of my life have been stolen from me and nobody knows how many more will follow. Have you noticed how quickly time passes when every day is the same? My inner child is lying on the ground, kicking her feet, screaming "this is not fair, I want to have fun again!". I scold her for being so egotistical – but for how long can you actually deny your own needs and not feel shitty? I think I will have to listen back to the early episodes of Brené Brown's Unlocking Us podcast series to help me unravel this.
2. Hormones.
Two months into lockdown, it's become obvious that the pandemic is having severe effects on many women's cycles. High levels of stress and anxiety are a leading cause for hormonal imbalances, which can result in: Irregular, heavier, more painful periods and worse PMS. I had the worst PMS and period in over a year last week – but knowing that I'm not the only one helps a little. And it also means that the next three weeks will be a little easier.
3. News. Duh.
It is highly recommended to reduce your news intake in order to not lose your mind at the moment. Even I have recommended this to our podcast listeners. But if you're working in the news industry and would like to keep your job, this is kind of a Catch-22. However, there is one thing which is even worse than sitting at your desk and reading the news: Exercising and listening to the news.
Seriously. It's been shown that if you listen to a stressful newscast while you are also putting your body through physical stress, the stress will compound – because we have only one system for stress. The Cut writes about this phenomenon: "Know that we only have one area to process stress, so if you bombard it on both sides, it’s going to reach its limit fast."
From now on it's back to music or pre-Corona podcasts while running.
4. Astrology.
I am neither fully immersed in the millennial astrology trend nor fluent in its lingo. But I do believe that we are all just tiny parts in a vast universe and that the way our tiny planet moves through space influences the energies in and around us. And as far as I can understand, the past week has been an astrological shit show, with several retrogrades and wacky constellations.
Claire Comstock-Gay is much better at explaining what's going on around us, you can read her full report on last week here. What stuck with me is: "When so many planetary events happen in such a short amount of time, it’s bound to feel intense, exhausting, even a little wacky." So whether you believe in these sorts of things or not – I have definitely felt that.
After having identified enough stressors to keep nerves frazzled for months – what helps?
⭐️ CBD oil. I have said it before, I'm saying it now, I'll say it again: high quality CBD is a game changer. I usually take a few drops in the evening in order to find some calm and sleep through the night. Finding the right concentration and dosage is highly individual, so I won't make any general recommendations. Just make sure it's a full spectrum oil in order to reap all the benefits.
⭐️ Exercise. Also a no-brainer. When you feel like working out is the last thing you want to do, that's when you need it the most. Lita Lewis is my homegirl for really breaking a sweat at home when I don't have the time to go out into nature for a longer run.
⭐️ This brilliant portrait of Robert Pattinson by Zach Baron in the latest issue of GQ. It's so chaotic and weird, it made me feel awkward, annoyed and uncomfortable, and it made me laugh out loud when Pattinson set the microwave on fire.
In general, in-depth portraits are my favorite genre to write and to read. Especially now. I just enjoy immersing myself into someone else's life completely, and forgetting my own troubles for a moment. My favorite pieces are the ones which ever so slightly overstep boundaries and give you an actual sense of who that person really is, rather than who that person would like you to think they are. Some of my all-time loves include Lena Dunham by Allison Davis and, for the Germans, Elyas M'Barek by Lisa Ludwig.
⭐️ George Ezra. Go ahead and mock, but this man could read the phone book to me and I'd swoon. Whether he sings or speaks, I find his voice so incredibly warm and comforting. Plus, George will forever remind me of Portugal and thinking of Portugal will forever make me happy. Now it so happens that George has recently made an appearance on the Happy Place Podcast, which is a lovely conversation to listen to and which, most importantly, sent me on to his own Corona-Podcast.
In Phone A Friend, George chats with his mate Ollie once a week about life in lockdown. And besides those two being really entertaining, it's also super refreshing to listen to two men talking about mental health and their feelings in a sensible and sincere way.
⭐️ Thrillers. Nothing gets me out my head faster than a good murder mystery. I just finished The Guest List by Lucy Foley last night. (It's set "on a remote island off the windswept Irish coast" and if you know me just a little, then you know that this is how you can sell any book to me.) It's totally gripping and incredibly atmospheric – but in the end I felt like she put one spin too many on the story. Anyhow, still a great read if you're into crime thrillers! Fun fact: I can only enjoy thrillers as books. Movies will give me nightmares on end.
⭐️ Peonies. It's the season.
All of these things have helped to lift my mood again, but of course the biggest credit goes to my friends. Despite all the internal madness, this week also saw fun phone/zoom calls, a surprise package in the mail, caring texts and much needed Aperol Spritz at the riverside. I feel very grateful for all this love in my life and maybe this can be a little reminder to us all, that a little goes a long way – a quick check-in might make somebody's day.
Thank you for letting me use your inbox for sorting my thoughts, it's much appreciated. What are your strategies for getting through tough times? I'd love to hear from you!
Until next time,
Anna