It's not your fault
Hi friend,
there's a novel on top of my stack of unread books, which is going to be my treat for the upcoming long weekend. It's Holly Bourne's newest, fresh from the printer's, "Pretending" and the first sentence (I snuck a peak into it) is: "I hate men." My first reaction was "Haha amen, sister!".
Then I contemplated. The last thing I want to become is a generalizing, man hating, bitter woman. Because I don't hate all men. I have some wonderful feminist men in my life. Friends, family members, colleagues and a flatmate who is the big brother I always wanted and just one of the best humans I know.
But then again, reality is making it very difficult to like men in general. I have experienced physical assault by a stranger, emotional abuse by a partner, I have yet to work in a place without everyday sexism at play and worst of all – I read the news. There are stats like this one from the UN, which says one in three women have experienced physical, sexual abuse. Which in reverse means that one in three men has assaulted a woman sexually. Which means that everyone of us probably knows at least one man who is a perpetrator. Let that sink in. Difficult, isn't it?
Equally difficult to process is the one non-Corona story which has dominated my Twitter feed last week. It is the one of Dr. Jessica Taylor. She holds a PhD in Psychology and has just poured over ten years of her research on victim blaming into a book called "Why Women are blamed for everything".
The matter itself, and all the evidence for it that Dr. Taylor has collected would be enough to make my blood boil. The book will be launched this week, but she already summarized the basics in the BBC Woman's Hour Podcast:
She explained how women, who have been victims of rape, are discredited in courts, not taken seriously by the police and medical professionals and not believed by society. She explains why this happens – the most common reason being the acceptance of rape myths: There are numerous myths out there which serve to excuse sexual violence and which, for example, do not permit the idea that rape can also happen within a relationship, at home, without witnesses. And of course, lots of men discredit women simply to safeguard the patriarchy.
The reason why women blame other women (or themselves!) is a bit more nuanced, and psychologically quite interesting: We like to believe that bad things only happen to bad people, so we look for the fault in a woman's behaviour in order to assure ourselves that this bad thing can never happen to us, or that it will never happen again.
You know, like: Her skirt was too short, she shouldn't have flirted with him, she shouldn't have been walking alone at night ... I can confirm from personal experience, however, that bad things happen to good people. No woman is safe until we start shifting the story from "she should have been more careful" to "he is a rapist and must be persecuted, period".
As I mentioned, the book will only be launched next week – so no one has read it yet. However, just the sheer announcement of it has lead to Dr. Taylor being endlessly trolled online, receiving thousands of death and rape threats and having her computer hacked. It seems like she poked a hornet's nest and the misogynist abuse she receives is unspeakable.
“I knew the book needed to be written – but I didn’t know it needed to be written this badly", she told the Guardian. She also said, "[This book] has made a lot of men angry. You have to ask why that is. What are they frightened of?” The answer to this question is what scares me the most, because it can only be that men fear losing power over women. And that just shows how far we are from a just – and safe! – society.
Seeing how this story escalated over the course of the week has left me in quite the dark place. Victim blaming is obviously a major issue and it is an issue which is not going to resolve itself. It needs books like this one, in which all the evidence and structural patterns are laid bare and then it needs a whole lot more of challenging the assumptions of ourselves and others. It needs the media taking on their share of responsibility when covering crimes against women and it needs writers to be more careful in how they script rape scenes.
In the last Verve Letter I wrote about how disturbing I found the graphic display of rape and domestic violence in season one of Big Little Lies. I just now realized that season two really dives deep into the concept of victim blaming and how it shows it in all its ugly facets. So hats off to you, Reese, for once again dragging a topic into the open which gets way too little attention.
⭐️ Ok, hard switch of topics. Here's a list of things I enjoyed reading, watching or listening to lately:
This NYT cartoon on "skin hunger". No need to explain, right?
Jameela Jamil, the wonderwoman relentlessly sticking her neck out for women's rights on the social webs, has launched a podcast! It's called "I weigh", following the social media community she initiated and it's a dream. Her guests so far include Reese Witherspoon, Beanie Feldstein and Demi Lovato and they talk very openly about shame, body image and mental health. If you need a pep talk, a truck load of inspiration and a big warm hug, tune in to crazy successful women fighting your fight.
Insights into how an "intimacy coordinator" worked on the set of "Normal People". Speaking of, I really need to figure out how to get the BBC iPlayer up and running outside of the UK – because I CANNOT WAIT to watch the adaptation of Sally Rooney's masterpiece.
This podcast episode of "Unlocking Us" where Brené Brown talks to former surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murphy about the concept of loneliness. Lots of things clicked for me while listening to this episode, especially when they dove into the three different types of loneliness and how you can still be lonely if you have a romantic partner but lack a network of friends or vice versa.
I finally read "City of Girls" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had to wait for the paperback launch, because I usually read myself to sleep and have given myself a black eye in the past by dropping a hardcover onto my face. Anyway, City of Girls! Such a joy, so full of wisdom! An ode to female friendship, to unconventional lives and to following your heart's desire. 12/10, please read.
Also, late to the party, but ultimate comfort watch: Wine Country. It's not the greatest movie ever made, but it's perfect to make you feel warm and entertained without being a meet-cute rom com.
Another newsletter recommendation: Read Like The Wind for all you fellow book nerds. Vulture editor Molly Young hits your inbox once a month with some excellent reading tipps. What I love about it: She recommends just as many older books as new releases ("No book is off the table, except bad and boring ones") and she gives you an excellent idea whether this read could be for you or not – which not many book critics can do.
Top of my playlist: Swaying and dancing along to Charlotte Day Wilson.
🎧 Remember, you can find all the podcasts episodes I recommend in the newsletter plus more (can't put every episode I love in here) in this Spotify playlist.
🇩🇪 Und mal wieder Werbung in eigener Sache. Ich produziere für die und mit den wunderbaren Gründerinnen von Emmora den Podcast "ende gut." Hier dreht sich alles rund ums Thema Lebensende, es geht ums Abschied nehmen und feiern, ums Trösten und um Trauer. Ich hatte bei fast jeder Aufzeichnung Gänsehaut, weil Victoria und Evgeniya wirklich ganz wunderbar emphatische Interviewerinnen sind und die Gäste auch alle erstklassig. Meine Lieblingsfolge der bereits Veröffentlichten ist diese hier, mit Trauerbegleiterin Luna Schön.
That's it for today! If you enjoy my newslettering, I would greatly appreciate it if you forwarded it on to your friends and family or show it some social media love.
Until next time,
Anna