Who gave the reply guy permission?
Hi friend,
I'm making a resolution. I don't care that New Year's is still (only!) eight weeks away. My resolution, effective as of November 3rd, 2019, is to stop reading comments on social media and to not engage in discussions on Twitter. It's just not good for me. And that's the greatest euphemism of all times, because it actually makes me truly miserable.
I know. That social media is bad for your mental health is no groundbreaking discovery and the question why it has taken me so long to realize that is valid. I don't really have an answer other than: there are certain social/political issues that I care deeply about and that I want to weigh in on.
But I'm tired. Of the hate, the mansplaining, the insults. Not necessarily against me personally (although I had my share), but in general. Seeing what others have to deal with is simply crushing. Engaging in online discussion isn't fun for anyone, but for someone who can be identified as female through their profile, it's hell. Especially on Twitter. There it has gotten so bad that even Amnesty International reported on it.
The most common scenario for a woman voicing her opinion on Twitter is the appearance of the "reply guy". He's annoying, he's condescending – and he can become abusive when rebuffed or ignored. It's the guy who kept calling me "Fräulein" last week while mansplaining my Tweet to me. It's the guy who brings up the #notallmen argument in a #MeToo debate. It's the guy who tells you that your attitude is the real problem here. And there are six more types of reply guys, as identified by this Twitter account.
Sociologist Lisa Wade calls this kind of behavior "benevolent sexism" (which also includes cat-calling disguised as compliments and "advising" women to "smile more") and sees its roots in a "misplaced sense of entitlement to women’s time". And in the baffling belief that men have the right to weigh in on anything a woman says, that their opinion is always welcome. Oh, to have a male ego just for a day.
As put by HuffPost UK executive editor Jess Brammar in a very personal take on the matter:
"No matter how senior a woman becomes, or how credible she is – no matter how much you prove you have a brain and you’re allowed to sit at the big table – a random man on the internet will always feel the need to talk to you like you’re an eight-year-old."
If you now feel the urge to cry out "but what about men?! Men experience hate online, too!", then please know: They do. But it does not compare. I'll let a man explain why not. Michael MacKenzie, a well versed Twitter user, took part in "The Great Twitter Gender Swap Experiment" and changed his profile so that he appeared to be a woman. Guess what happened:
"This experiment showed me what women go through on a daily basis. I started to see the subtleties or misogyny that I would normally miss because I don’t get to experience it daily."
Making Twitter accounts gender neutral isn't really an option – or is it? I am not sure.
⭐️ If you are one of these women who spends a lot of time online, my first #popculturepleasure of the week is for you:
The Byte Me newsletter by TNW. It's co-produced by my friend and former colleague Georgina and it's brilliant! Once a month, Georgina and two of her colleagues round up the best stories on women in tech and media and put them in a "feminist newsletter that makes everyone mad". I adore it.
Similarly snarky is this episode of The Guilty Feminist. Deborah Frances-White analyzes one of my favorite podcasts, How To Fail, and debunks how a number of Elizabeth Day's male guests actually fail at: talking about failure. Because in their eyes they have never failed. Or if so, intentionally. In contrast, all female guests on the show seem to bring a never ending list of failures to discuss. It's funny 'cause it's true, but it's also funny because Frances-White is a superb comedian.
Barack Obama talks about "woke culture", especially on social media. And he has a point.
Revisiting Modern Love: I have now finished the series and cannot recommend it enough. It's such a comforting and heart-warming show, absolutely perfect for a gloomy November sunday. Also, there's an episode starring Andrew "Hot Priest" Scott. But I think the one with Anne Hathaway is my favorite. Which one is yours?
I hope you enjoyed this issue and maybe even took something away from it. This newsletter can only grow with the help of all you wonderful people – so forwarding is much appreciated ❤️.
Have a lovely week,
Anna